The inability to control myself

The thing that I hate most in the whole world around the globe or I should say universe is my anger, something that I am trying to control since my childhood but still sometimes it just crosses my limit and I become the jungly and once I am in that angry young man mode, I start doing anything just anything to get my wish, to get what I want, I become the real jungly. This is very tiring, to realize that I am unable to control myself, to feel myself out of my own chains and to feel that I am doing something I don't want to do, to realize that something is happening wrong, to have a wish to control the things around me and at the same time, controlling myself and then after 2 minutes realizing that you could control nothing and you are more and more angrier than what you were before 2 mins. It is frustrating. Why I cant control myself, why it just happens.... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ... why it is so impossible to just having the control on your own..... And when I see that in past 1 year, it has grown in terms of frequency and the jungliness both, it becomes even more frustrating,,,, and the more frustrating it becomes, it comes more frequent, with more jungliness,.... and the more frequent and jungliness it has... it becomes more and more frustrating..... like a recursive function ....

I spoiled a lot of thing because of this stupid frustrating, irritating, "what do I say" thing ....

Goddddddddddddddd

The gems of my life

Thank god for you mercy that I have few gems around me, to help me out when I am in trouble, to listen to me even whe I dont speak a single word, to advice me whenever I need but dont ask, to show me the way where I should walk when I am lost, to give me the torch when it is night, to give the umbrella when it is rainy ..... Thank God for giving me some real gems, some real good friends.... They worth more than anything for me..... :)

They are worth more than a job of lacks, works more than living in U.S., worth more than having a beautiful rich girlfriend, worth more than just anything, literally anything.... I love them.... love you all.... be the same always.....

last 30 days of my B.Tech. completion

http://those4days.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/last-30-days-of-my-btech-excerpts-of-my-chat-with-one-of-my-very-good-friends/

Note for the other side

Assuming that you have gone through "THEN & NOW -1" to "THEN & NOW -6"

The Jack very well knows how to change the fucking "NOW" into "THEN" again. None of the fucking man or woman can take the stack on me. Till now the situation is in Jack's control and Jack knows how to keep it in control. Jack knows very well how to defend. It is his subject of interest and subject to specialization.

One thing - Jack never looses. Either he keeps fighting or he wins. Jack does not know how to loose.

Second thing - If Jack wants, he can turn the table around in few minutes and even some of the people at opposite side know it. But Jack is not mean always except when he is in anger. The worst weekness of Jack.

Two things that are Jack's definite advantage over the opposite are - The Confidence and The Spark ! I will take anti-anger pills during these days to keep myself under my own control. Lets see if you can do any harm to me then .....

Then & Now -6

If you look at my posts for last some days, it becomes apprent that I am a character fucked up with life, someone totally frustrated, tensed, depressed... well if you think the same way then probably you are right to some extent.

All these days I am learning from life, a lot of things, making a lot of mistakes(something that I always do), and these 4 days have been a real good chapter for me, which I needed to learn, they brought up my weeknesses and made my vulnerabilities visible to me, and now when I close the holes of my weeknesses, I come out yet stronger, and ever strongest..........

-Jack

THEN & NOW-5

THEN

I don't know whether I will get admit or not. God, help me. Please bring at least one admit with funds

NOW

I have 3 admits with 2 good universities but no funds :( .
I spoiled my one recommendation already. So, my future admits with funds is just a dream. I hope it comed true but what is probablity? Hope it is more than zero. GOD, only you know the hardwork and the reality, Please help me if Thy exists.

THEN & NOW -4

THEN

Why don't you stay as R.E.

Sir, we can stay but not for the whole year. We can stay till our joining for banglore.

Ok. Good. Then you don't have to go through the whole process of the paper work. Wo to aisse hi ho jayega.



NOW

I have a deadline. You should apply before deadline

"Sir I want to stay in summer till my joining." I said.

No Reply from him.





"Everything changes with time, even the subjectivity." - Jack

THEN & NOW -3

THEN

I am sleeping and the cell rings up. Jack, kahan par hai tu, wo lab aayega kya, in stinging hindi a telugu guys speaks up.

"Why, what happened ?", Jack asks in a worried and caring tone.
"I had to search the deadlines and other info for universities. "
"Ok , right now I am sleeping, it is 12 noon, I will be there at 3"

When I reach the lab at 3, the telugu guy has no idea that which univ he was going to apply, where should he apply, what all he needs for applying. For a lot of univ, the deadline had already passed. So, after searching all the univ for which the deadline was still far enough, so that all the materials and application packet reach the univ at time, I give him a list of univ in order of preference that he should try.

"This is the list and you can pick up from it.", Jack replied with a list in hand with information about the deadline, application fees and blah blah blah...

"Bhaiyya, you will forget me definitely once you reach there in U.S.", Jack added after sometime.
"You and D******, you are my best friends. Where ever I will be you call me and I will come in 2 mins", the telugu bhaiyya said.


NOW

"Who wants to talk to you ?", The same telugu guy asks

Everything changes with time, even the subjectivity. Should I ask him, from where he got his bank letter, without which he could not apply ? The guy had lost his strength once in a while to such an extent that he was not even applying at all. Ask him who pushed him, and who motivated that he must apply and try his luck. But what is the heck, now he is admitted into UFL with scholarship, so how do I matter now.

THEN & NOW - 2

THEN

Why don't you stay as R.E.. See the project, see the company in future.

NOW

I have only limited positions, I will have to check.

THEN & NOW - 1

THEN

Hi

Jack(Name changed to hide the identity)

Nice 2 meet u

Coming 2 daiict was a gr8

experience 4 me. Thanx 4

being der and helping me

out. Wishing u all

success in ur life.

U are very cute (I know I am not) and jolly

person but a bit confused.

Always keep smiling like :)

u are a gr8 person. always

remain as u are

All d Best !!

K**** (Name hidden to hide identity)

NOW

Blank Spaces

With time everything changes, even the subjectivity

-Jack

Love

Something that I missed throughout my life -Love

Something that I had everytime, on every stage - Love

Something that I want most - Love

Something that I hate most - Love

The Ohio State Admit

I got into Ohio State Univerisity(One among top 10 in U.S.), but it sucks like hell..... crying and laughing at the same time ...... the Game Of The Fate .... The God gave me another chance to write my own fate .... but God why did u keep so many blank pages.... Perhaps you dont know the pain when you read a blank page and you feel its meaning.... perhaps He does not know how it feels when you laugh out loud and crying tears inside.... perhaps You, you the God,,, does not know how it feels when the tears come near to the eyelid,,,, ready to pour down the face... but you cant cry...... God perhaps you don't know how it feels when you want to cry and there are people around you, you cant stop the tears, you cry and the world feels ki ye khushi ke aansu hai.... God, I beg, don't write a blank page like this in my fate.... If you show me sweets, give me a mouth to eat them, otherwise what do you want me to do, do you want me to show the sweets when I am hungry, you know I cant eat them, GOD.... GOD.... GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, There is no God, I don't trust on any GOD,,,,,,, I wanna cryyyyyyyy, I am crying...... The delhi demo tomorrow morning 10 am, all are sleeping except my eyes..........I wanna cry out loudddddddddddddddddddd. louddddddddddddddddddddddddd. louddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Finally going home

In between, I got my glasses back, and tomorrow is when I will be heading to my home.
Yeye... a bit late but abhi bhi time hai.....
I am feeling happy as after the glasses break and I missed my train I thought I wont be able to go home this time but finally going home after 7-8 months .... ohhh mom I am waiting for the "aloo ki khichdi" n "pakode", something that I can get nowhere in the world but at my home :)

By the way, I dont have any reservation now... "tatkal" and "waiting" both are already regretted, all seats full....... so going by the bus or general bogy in holi's season :) ...... ya khuda , bus ko thoda khali rakhna.....

"COMING BACK HOME" by Aldo Kraas(July 15 1964 / Sao Paulo Brazil)
There has been so many changes in my life
Some sad
Some happy ones also
I beginning to understand there is so many things that I am lucking of
Lucking in controling my speech
Lucking in controling my feelings
My mind seems to be racing fast
And sometimes can be hard for me to get the words out
My mind races fast like a car running fast in the highway at high speed
I sometimes get some mixed messages
Sometimes frustration comes on
Coming back home
Coming back home
Coming back home
It is wonderful to see home again
Walking outsideDown the street
Seeing the changes of the leveas
Changing from grem to gold
Coming back home
To stay here for Good
Because deep in my heart I know this
Is my place
And I belong in here
Coming back home
Every time I go somewhere and come back
Home is always there for me
That is the place I feel so Good
No body can take that home away from me
I am lucking in having patience
Coming back home
Makes a lot of difference to me

----- hmmm good poem by Aldo Kraas

The job seeker

Those eyes saying " sir, did you like the PCB I made?" asking whether I am in or not, those eyes were irresistive.

This man came for soldering and related work at our lab, and I was the one giving him the work to assess his skills. I gave him a very compacted PCB of an embedded camera to solder headers and dip-sockets, which we reportedly failed to solder twice before. The holes for the headers were very close to each other and the shorting line were going through, even from the way between 2 very close holes. Little mistake could short the unwanted things up leaving no way our but desoldering using hot air. After soldering the given things, he came and said, "Sir......". "Ok.. ", I said taking the PCB and putingt the microcontroller and trying buring the code. I tried buring 3-4 times but it did not work. I changed the microcontroller and it worked. Actually with the previous microcontroller, I need to put one more thing on the PCB, probably there was some problem with that part, and so it was not working earlier but with the second microncontroller it worked, as the second one does not need that extra component.
All this time, that man tried to be very nice, his eyes with hope lying with uncertainity, still hope was more. On seeing the successful trial after the failed ones, the smile ran on his face. and I was thinking getting pity on that man. He was young, will be somewhere around 25 or so. and when I saw how he was struggling with life, for a moment I forgot all my pains, thinking that I am living a heavenly life and I dont value it. I used to consider my quality of life as crap !! I am considerably younger to him and he was calling me 'sir , sir '. I could feel the way I was melting inside, I wish I could give him the life that he wanted, I wish I could give him the job where he never needs to call 'sir' to a person who does not desearve this word. I wish I could give him all the happiness in life. But alas, I can feel my limit, I cant bring smile to a single face, and I roam around with the haughty head all the time. Lot of pain in the world, wish I can make it a better place. I hope that man gets all what he wants from life.

Congrats if you get the job, I am sorry if you don't. But I wish I could do something. I wish our requirements and your skills would have matched.

Lot of pain in this world, God give me power to bring smile on those faces. God give me strength, make me useful for a few people at least !