The Ohio State Admit

I got into Ohio State Univerisity(One among top 10 in U.S.), but it sucks like hell..... crying and laughing at the same time ...... the Game Of The Fate .... The God gave me another chance to write my own fate .... but God why did u keep so many blank pages.... Perhaps you dont know the pain when you read a blank page and you feel its meaning.... perhaps He does not know how it feels when you laugh out loud and crying tears inside.... perhaps You, you the God,,, does not know how it feels when the tears come near to the eyelid,,,, ready to pour down the face... but you cant cry...... God perhaps you don't know how it feels when you want to cry and there are people around you, you cant stop the tears, you cry and the world feels ki ye khushi ke aansu hai.... God, I beg, don't write a blank page like this in my fate.... If you show me sweets, give me a mouth to eat them, otherwise what do you want me to do, do you want me to show the sweets when I am hungry, you know I cant eat them, GOD.... GOD.... GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, There is no God, I don't trust on any GOD,,,,,,, I wanna cryyyyyyyy, I am crying...... The delhi demo tomorrow morning 10 am, all are sleeping except my eyes..........I wanna cry out loudddddddddddddddddddd. louddddddddddddddddddddddddd. louddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

'SM****'

There was this girl... her name starting with 'SM'.... and i am missing her tonight... she gave me a real good company when I needed... she used to tell me her each n everything to me... she used to listen to me... she was the one, i could rely upon... she was the one, I could blindly trust... and today when
I need someone most... when I need someone to help me to make my way out of this crap.... when I desperately want someone like her...... today, when I need her help..... I cant expect it from her... and u know why ..... the reason is myself .... I am a crap... I am a holy crap ...... I deceived her... I deceived her for ... God knows how long.... she came back..... she wanted to get back to previous friendship... forget everything and I messed up all again ..... I need you 'SM****' .....I am breaking down ....... I feel your importance tonight....... but what can I do now..... time is gone .....

PS : Don't waste your time collecting stones, one day you may wake up and realise that you lost a diamond while you were busy with stones.......

I am broken

i am not writing this, this is my heart penning down. and i simply, can not disown this state of myself tonight.

I RUINED MYSELF.
I AM A SPOILED BOY.
I WANT TO CHANGE.
BUT I AM UNABLE TO.
SOMEBODY SAVE ME. I NEED HELP.
I AM EMOTIONALLY BROKEN.
I AM TORN.

I WANT TO TELL EVERYTHING THAT IS THERE DEEP DOWN INSIDE MY HEART, THAT ONLY I AND THE GOD KNOWS. I WANT TO LET IT OUT. I NEED AN OUTLET. I CAN NOT FIND ONE. I NEED HELP. I NEED HELP TO GET OUT OF THIS CRAP. I AM UNABLE TO SLEEP. I AM UNABLE TO WORK. SOMETHING IS EATING ME FROM INSIDE. I CANT GO ON WITH THIS. I FEEL LIKE HELL. I WANT TO CHANGE. I WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. I WANT TO CHANGE.

http://those4days.blogspot.com/2008/03/more-than-painful-it-is-to-realize-that.html

The job seeker

Those eyes saying " sir, did you like the PCB I made?" asking whether I am in or not, those eyes were irresistive.

This man came for soldering and related work at our lab, and I was the one giving him the work to assess his skills. I gave him a very compacted PCB of an embedded camera to solder headers and dip-sockets, which we reportedly failed to solder twice before. The holes for the headers were very close to each other and the shorting line were going through, even from the way between 2 very close holes. Little mistake could short the unwanted things up leaving no way our but desoldering using hot air. After soldering the given things, he came and said, "Sir......". "Ok.. ", I said taking the PCB and putingt the microcontroller and trying buring the code. I tried buring 3-4 times but it did not work. I changed the microcontroller and it worked. Actually with the previous microcontroller, I need to put one more thing on the PCB, probably there was some problem with that part, and so it was not working earlier but with the second microncontroller it worked, as the second one does not need that extra component.
All this time, that man tried to be very nice, his eyes with hope lying with uncertainity, still hope was more. On seeing the successful trial after the failed ones, the smile ran on his face. and I was thinking getting pity on that man. He was young, will be somewhere around 25 or so. and when I saw how he was struggling with life, for a moment I forgot all my pains, thinking that I am living a heavenly life and I dont value it. I used to consider my quality of life as crap !! I am considerably younger to him and he was calling me 'sir , sir '. I could feel the way I was melting inside, I wish I could give him the life that he wanted, I wish I could give him the job where he never needs to call 'sir' to a person who does not desearve this word. I wish I could give him all the happiness in life. But alas, I can feel my limit, I cant bring smile to a single face, and I roam around with the haughty head all the time. Lot of pain in the world, wish I can make it a better place. I hope that man gets all what he wants from life.

Congrats if you get the job, I am sorry if you don't. But I wish I could do something. I wish our requirements and your skills would have matched.

Lot of pain in this world, God give me power to bring smile on those faces. God give me strength, make me useful for a few people at least !

Yaadein

dard mai , bhi ye lab muskara jate hai ..........
beete lamhe hame jab bhi yaad aate haiiiii

true , really true ....

Sometimes even the memories of your bad time can bring the smile.

Of course, at other times they can bring the mountain of pain, but all of this depends on the quality of life, one is living.

If you are living a joyful life, they generally bring the smile, otherwise pain.

Good news. Bad news.

There was this girl D.K. and I dont know why but sometimes all the moments that we shared becomes alive in front of me and I see them exactly as they were. It gives lot of pain, it hurts badly. I cant sleep, I loose my interest in everything, I cant even do surfing that time. But the good side is that all this happens only at few times, like when I am thinking of something and with the flow of thoughts I reach to those old good moments. And another good points is that slowly slowly both, the frequency and the intensity, of this disturbance is reducing. Previously it used to happen more often and whenever it would happen, I would go restless for a long time untill I sleep, which apparently was a herculean tast at that moment. But now, it is less intense, after some moments I am able to walk over it and move on and also, it happens less often. But one bad news is that, it happened this morning at aroung 5:30 again :( but the good news is that, after sometime I was able to move on without going back to sleep again.

There was a time, when I was thinking of meeting pshychologist regarding this, but now I think I will be able to come over it myself.

Isn't that a good news? This relationship taught me a lot of things, really a lot opening my closed and opaque weak points, and showing me where I needed to improve myself.

Isn't that a good news? ya definitely. But the bad news is that the shock is not yet over, even after lot of months since the death of our friendship.

But the good news is that it is giving signs of their near end and that they will be over soon.