Addicted

http://sonaltewari.blogspot.com/2007/09/addicted-to-his-touch.html

The inability to control myself

The thing that I hate most in the whole world around the globe or I should say universe is my anger, something that I am trying to control since my childhood but still sometimes it just crosses my limit and I become the jungly and once I am in that angry young man mode, I start doing anything just anything to get my wish, to get what I want, I become the real jungly. This is very tiring, to realize that I am unable to control myself, to feel myself out of my own chains and to feel that I am doing something I don't want to do, to realize that something is happening wrong, to have a wish to control the things around me and at the same time, controlling myself and then after 2 minutes realizing that you could control nothing and you are more and more angrier than what you were before 2 mins. It is frustrating. Why I cant control myself, why it just happens.... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ... why it is so impossible to just having the control on your own..... And when I see that in past 1 year, it has grown in terms of frequency and the jungliness both, it becomes even more frustrating,,,, and the more frustrating it becomes, it comes more frequent, with more jungliness,.... and the more frequent and jungliness it has... it becomes more and more frustrating..... like a recursive function ....

I spoiled a lot of thing because of this stupid frustrating, irritating, "what do I say" thing ....

Goddddddddddddddd

The gems of my life

Thank god for you mercy that I have few gems around me, to help me out when I am in trouble, to listen to me even whe I dont speak a single word, to advice me whenever I need but dont ask, to show me the way where I should walk when I am lost, to give me the torch when it is night, to give the umbrella when it is rainy ..... Thank God for giving me some real gems, some real good friends.... They worth more than anything for me..... :)

They are worth more than a job of lacks, works more than living in U.S., worth more than having a beautiful rich girlfriend, worth more than just anything, literally anything.... I love them.... love you all.... be the same always.....

last 30 days of my B.Tech. completion

http://those4days.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/last-30-days-of-my-btech-excerpts-of-my-chat-with-one-of-my-very-good-friends/

Good / Bad ?

http://those4days.wordpress.com/2008/04/15/good-bad/

Password is : loggedin

Note for the other side

Assuming that you have gone through "THEN & NOW -1" to "THEN & NOW -6"

The Jack very well knows how to change the fucking "NOW" into "THEN" again. None of the fucking man or woman can take the stack on me. Till now the situation is in Jack's control and Jack knows how to keep it in control. Jack knows very well how to defend. It is his subject of interest and subject to specialization.

One thing - Jack never looses. Either he keeps fighting or he wins. Jack does not know how to loose.

Second thing - If Jack wants, he can turn the table around in few minutes and even some of the people at opposite side know it. But Jack is not mean always except when he is in anger. The worst weekness of Jack.

Two things that are Jack's definite advantage over the opposite are - The Confidence and The Spark ! I will take anti-anger pills during these days to keep myself under my own control. Lets see if you can do any harm to me then .....

Then & Now -6

If you look at my posts for last some days, it becomes apprent that I am a character fucked up with life, someone totally frustrated, tensed, depressed... well if you think the same way then probably you are right to some extent.

All these days I am learning from life, a lot of things, making a lot of mistakes(something that I always do), and these 4 days have been a real good chapter for me, which I needed to learn, they brought up my weeknesses and made my vulnerabilities visible to me, and now when I close the holes of my weeknesses, I come out yet stronger, and ever strongest..........

-Jack

THEN & NOW-5

THEN

I don't know whether I will get admit or not. God, help me. Please bring at least one admit with funds

NOW

I have 3 admits with 2 good universities but no funds :( .
I spoiled my one recommendation already. So, my future admits with funds is just a dream. I hope it comed true but what is probablity? Hope it is more than zero. GOD, only you know the hardwork and the reality, Please help me if Thy exists.

THEN & NOW -4

THEN

Why don't you stay as R.E.

Sir, we can stay but not for the whole year. We can stay till our joining for banglore.

Ok. Good. Then you don't have to go through the whole process of the paper work. Wo to aisse hi ho jayega.



NOW

I have a deadline. You should apply before deadline

"Sir I want to stay in summer till my joining." I said.

No Reply from him.





"Everything changes with time, even the subjectivity." - Jack

THEN & NOW -3

THEN

I am sleeping and the cell rings up. Jack, kahan par hai tu, wo lab aayega kya, in stinging hindi a telugu guys speaks up.

"Why, what happened ?", Jack asks in a worried and caring tone.
"I had to search the deadlines and other info for universities. "
"Ok , right now I am sleeping, it is 12 noon, I will be there at 3"

When I reach the lab at 3, the telugu guy has no idea that which univ he was going to apply, where should he apply, what all he needs for applying. For a lot of univ, the deadline had already passed. So, after searching all the univ for which the deadline was still far enough, so that all the materials and application packet reach the univ at time, I give him a list of univ in order of preference that he should try.

"This is the list and you can pick up from it.", Jack replied with a list in hand with information about the deadline, application fees and blah blah blah...

"Bhaiyya, you will forget me definitely once you reach there in U.S.", Jack added after sometime.
"You and D******, you are my best friends. Where ever I will be you call me and I will come in 2 mins", the telugu bhaiyya said.


NOW

"Who wants to talk to you ?", The same telugu guy asks

Everything changes with time, even the subjectivity. Should I ask him, from where he got his bank letter, without which he could not apply ? The guy had lost his strength once in a while to such an extent that he was not even applying at all. Ask him who pushed him, and who motivated that he must apply and try his luck. But what is the heck, now he is admitted into UFL with scholarship, so how do I matter now.

THEN & NOW - 2

THEN

Why don't you stay as R.E.. See the project, see the company in future.

NOW

I have only limited positions, I will have to check.

THEN & NOW - 1

THEN

Hi

Jack(Name changed to hide the identity)

Nice 2 meet u

Coming 2 daiict was a gr8

experience 4 me. Thanx 4

being der and helping me

out. Wishing u all

success in ur life.

U are very cute (I know I am not) and jolly

person but a bit confused.

Always keep smiling like :)

u are a gr8 person. always

remain as u are

All d Best !!

K**** (Name hidden to hide identity)

NOW

Blank Spaces

With time everything changes, even the subjectivity

-Jack

its time to move to wordpress.... :) that allows password protected posts ... :)

Love

Something that I missed throughout my life -Love

Something that I had everytime, on every stage - Love

Something that I want most - Love

Something that I hate most - Love

M.S.

Got Admit but M.S. ???
Future ???
M.B.A. ???
Aur meri lab ke 2 c******, samjhte hai saale ki wo muzh pe ehsaan kar rahe hai.... abe c*******, us ek c*** se to kayi bade bade ka kaam kiya hai maine, ek 2 kodi ki c*** se bachaya hai muzheko !!!!!!!!!!!!

The Ohio State Admit

I got into Ohio State Univerisity(One among top 10 in U.S.), but it sucks like hell..... crying and laughing at the same time ...... the Game Of The Fate .... The God gave me another chance to write my own fate .... but God why did u keep so many blank pages.... Perhaps you dont know the pain when you read a blank page and you feel its meaning.... perhaps He does not know how it feels when you laugh out loud and crying tears inside.... perhaps You, you the God,,, does not know how it feels when the tears come near to the eyelid,,,, ready to pour down the face... but you cant cry...... God perhaps you don't know how it feels when you want to cry and there are people around you, you cant stop the tears, you cry and the world feels ki ye khushi ke aansu hai.... God, I beg, don't write a blank page like this in my fate.... If you show me sweets, give me a mouth to eat them, otherwise what do you want me to do, do you want me to show the sweets when I am hungry, you know I cant eat them, GOD.... GOD.... GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, There is no God, I don't trust on any GOD,,,,,,, I wanna cryyyyyyyy, I am crying...... The delhi demo tomorrow morning 10 am, all are sleeping except my eyes..........I wanna cry out loudddddddddddddddddddd. louddddddddddddddddddddddddd. louddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Jackkkkkkk..... came back

Yer sir,
Jackkkk returns..... I was lost for sometime... I spoiled few things.... But the Jackkkk will do his best to mitigate the effect of this distraction........... and from now onwards, you will see the same old focused Jackkkkkkkkkkkkkk, have my words sir..... The Jack returns........

-Jackkkkkkkkkkkk

Jackkkkkkkk... come back

Jackkkkk.... concentrate on your career Jack. Don't mess up with few girls and ruin yourself. They will leave you spoiled. Just concentrate on your career. Care for the people who care for you and fuck off everyone else. Remember it that you are worth a million. Don't spoil yourself. You are distracted from a long time. You have already messed up few important things in your career. You can not afford anymore.

Just concentrate on your career. And if you can not do it yourself, take help of some psychologist, but you must concentrate on the career in any case. You don't have an option here. You must come back to your track. Get you identity again, be the earlier JACK, Jackkkkkkk..... who only knows Winning.

-Jackkkkkkkkkkkk

Change

Today I cried, I tried keeping it inside me but it came out, but it will never ever happen again. The tears are meant to remain inside the eyes. I AM STRONG, I am not the poor who cries.

I will change my life, I will change my priorities.

I want to write a lot... bt somethings just cant be expressed in words.........

Silence of The Cry

From long time I was thinking to write something like a short novel, but was not getting the topic, sometimes I thought of writing on religion, God, supernatural things but all of them are too common to be interested into. Fortunately today I got the topic - "Silence of The Cry".

"Silence of The Cry"

Hope I get enough time to complete this dream.

5 Things why One shud keep distace from girls

5 Things why One shud keep distace from girls

1. Very sweetly she will tell u that u can tell her anything that u want.... she will endeavour to know ur reality, she will promise u that she wont tell it to anyone but you can not afford to tell her ur feelings... she cant keep it inside her ... she can never keep it inside her... and u will nvr know who all knows ur reality afterwards... though she had made promise earlier, bt she would give excuses like I told only my 1-2 best frnds ... she will brake her promise ... well 1-2 may be fine for some ppl ... bt whats guarantee that those 1-2 wont tell it to anyone... they are also a girl and they will tell to their 1-2's and soon.... u will be over... the world will know u reality and u will wonder what the fuck u did .......

2. Unless you have read some physchology books and you have some real tips to detect lie, which I believe some rare ppl try to go through, you can probably never detect when a girl is lying to you. And

3. you never know her reality unless yu have some spy mechanism. She will never let u kno, what she is upto. she will appear very sweet but trust me there are things that you will never know and she will never feel it necessary to let u know, though it might be of utmost importance to u.....

4. She will definitely talk ur -ve points with her frnds... cracking the jokes.... and if u dont have them... she will fabricate them....

5. You can afford to waste time to get above 4 ......

2nd Admit

Admitted to Stony Brook.... this admit I received when I was at my all time low on 31st night and wrote the "previous to previous post" named " I am broken" ... my life is strange... it changes dramatically.... 2 hrs before I was at one of my lowest and now after 2 hrs I was at my highest ... SUNYSB was my dream university since the day i started selecting the univs.... and the reasons were : it is one of the cheapest university, Situtated in NY, ample job opportunity, very good in information security, good level of education.... it gives the most value for the money you pay .... it is an excellent place though not as good as top 3... but total fees being just 26k... it cost 1/4th of the cost any other university in u.s. .... and stands at 17th ranking for phd in CS in U.S.... best value for your money .... bt I dont think I will make it to NY finally though I have got the admit...

'SM****'

There was this girl... her name starting with 'SM'.... and i am missing her tonight... she gave me a real good company when I needed... she used to tell me her each n everything to me... she used to listen to me... she was the one, i could rely upon... she was the one, I could blindly trust... and today when
I need someone most... when I need someone to help me to make my way out of this crap.... when I desperately want someone like her...... today, when I need her help..... I cant expect it from her... and u know why ..... the reason is myself .... I am a crap... I am a holy crap ...... I deceived her... I deceived her for ... God knows how long.... she came back..... she wanted to get back to previous friendship... forget everything and I messed up all again ..... I need you 'SM****' .....I am breaking down ....... I feel your importance tonight....... but what can I do now..... time is gone .....

PS : Don't waste your time collecting stones, one day you may wake up and realise that you lost a diamond while you were busy with stones.......